Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
