Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
