Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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