Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
