Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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