I am midnight drunk by noon
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm just crazy horny about you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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