my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
