im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
