I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
