I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
