The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
