we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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