proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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