Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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