she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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