And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
