I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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