i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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