i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
