You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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