she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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