I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dignity is for republicans.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
