He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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