nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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