Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
