I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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