she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
