i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
