the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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