I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
