So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
