i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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