i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
