Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
