glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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