the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
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He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
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He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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