Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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