the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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