If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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