you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
