can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
