watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
