It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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