You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
