im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
