So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
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We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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