1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I AM VODKA MAN
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
