he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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