Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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