i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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