then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
