I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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