If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
