I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
